I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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