I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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