2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
whose parrot is this?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
