allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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