I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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