I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
