Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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