Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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