First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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