I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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