she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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