Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
