His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
