The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
