awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
