theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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