yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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