If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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