smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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