Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
