Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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