He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She's the barista slut.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
