Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
