Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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