You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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