I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
