Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
