If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
