even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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