After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
