i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
