Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dating After Heartbreak
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.