i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
this is an emotional support booty call
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.