Don't make out with my wife yet
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
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He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
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The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer