Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I made him laugh his dick is mine
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
