Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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