Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
