I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I smell like Dick and happiness
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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