I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
His nipple licking is glorious
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