and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
