The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
