That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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