her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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