u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
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I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
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Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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