I can text with my tongue
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
