You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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