Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish they made helmets for livers.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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