Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
