you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
