So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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