I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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