I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
