i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
