In America we eat man semen.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
