So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
