i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
