There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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