I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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