brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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