I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
