I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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