Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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