I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
