Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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